Henry's Zoo Trip: Cage the Children or the Animals?

Last week, I had the privilege of helping Henry's class during their Zoo Field Trip to the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo.

Below is a group shot after we made our way into the joint.  (Henry is the red hat in the back row)

It took Henry's school a little while to show up.  For awhile, I thought I was going to be hanging out at the Zoo by myself.  Within minutes of thinking this, yellow school buses starting pulling into the Zoo like it was a red carpet gala.  I was soon surrounded by 500 kindergarteners.

Apparently, it was a field trip day for a dozen or so schools around NE Ohio. 

Gulp.

Here's my actual text to Erica at 10:06am as the buses started rolling in:

ROB's PHONE to ERICA: "Holy @#$!"

That was the last contact from me for the rest of the day.

All in all, though, it was a fun day and no one was fed to the lions.  That's how we measure success at the Zoo.

Henry's teacher did a fantastic job of keeping the kids in small groups, with nametags, bracelets and global positioning sensors to track their movements.  

I thought the ankle monitors were a little much, but the kids didn't seem to mind dragging one foot behind the other.  Times have changed since I last went on a class field trip.  In my day, you took your life into your own hands as part of your survival training.  These days, they put the kids into an antiseptic bubble and roll them from exhibit to exhibit.

Part of the allure of a Zoo is to see the strange people outside the cage, as much as the animals inside it.  These days, however, there were no chances taken.

There were warnings sent home telling us not to bring money, not to buy the kids any snacks or trinkets, and not to make eye contact with the Principal.  (She totally looks like Joan Cusack from the movie "School of Rock," by the way). 

Okay, the eye thing isn't true, but the rest is.  I guess in retrospect it makes sense, but it makes me sad that they actually have to tell parents to have common sense.  Parents are kind of stupid, though.  No, parents are all the way stupid.  I take back what I said.

My favorite part of the day, besides observing my son interacting with his classmates and seeing his kindergarten crush come running up to him at the end of the day to tell him about the Zoo, was watching a 6 year old in Henry's class actually eat more than I ate at lunch.  

The tall kid in the picture above was in our group.

Apparently, the reason he is tall is that he eats TWO whole sandwiches for lunch.  Dude out-ate me.  I was flabbergasted.

On second thought, judging on his height and his Joey Chestnut-like ability to pile turkey sandwiches away, he's probably 16 years old and a ten year flunkie.

I didn't ask him, but I probably should have.  I could have swore I saw him driving a Ford Focus out of the parking lot at the end of the day.

Bullocks.

   

Baseball Season Means Mascot Carnage

Came across this one yesterday while trying to catch the Akron Aeros boxscore.  Classic.

Enjoy!



I'm pretty sure the mascot was okay. 

I'm still not sure what the other mascot was.  A blob?  Hamburglar?  Grimace?  Sputum (look it up)?

Missing the Girls (and Henry)

Erica and the girls (and Henry) are back in Terre Haute watching standing trains, listening to Motley Crue at Bogey's and visiting the balding friends of former boyfriends at IHOP.

I'm at home writing speeches, coaching a Little League team that I have no relation to, and figuring out how to keep myself from drinking away the weekend.

I miss my family.

The Dancing Holman Girls from Rob Holman on Vimeo.

Opening Day

Bill, this one is for you.

The Cleveland Indians have not won a World Series since 1948.

This year, they'll be lucky to win 75 games.

How about those Cavs?

Henry Earns a Nickname

Sit down for this one. 

If you're already seated, make sure you don't take too long of a drink while reading this post.  I don't want you to ruin your monitor.

For over a week -- please remember this fact -- Henry has been complaining of pain in his ear.  Henry has also been battling strep throat during that same time period.  We took him to the doctor and he's been on antibiotics.  When he mentioned the ear stuff, Erica and I basically poo-pooed him.  I mean, whatever is in that thing will soon be destroyed by the Amoxicillin that is currently coursing through the young buck.

Henry has always been a distracted child.  He's a boy.

If you aren't a super hero or fighting crime, you're secondary.  I get it.  (I think.)

Anyway, during the past week, he's been especially hard to reach.  His attention span has gone from bad to worse.  I've even thrown in a few jabs accusing the poor kid that he's hard of hearing. 

Thursday night, while watching Grandpa's rendition of John in the Last Supper (no, seriously, the guy was really good...rehearsed and everything), Henry was doubled over in pain because the church organ was making his ear hurt.  What a wimp, right?

I checked his ear at the church and all I could see was a giant black blob.  I immediately thought he had an ear infection.  Erica and I decided to make a doctor's appointment on Friday.

You have to understand, though.  Henry bounced back each time.  He'd complain that his ear hurt, then fifteen minutes later he'd be hanging off a chandelier or doing his Sonic the Hedgehog imitation.  It was the strangest thing.  No dizziness.  No cough. 

Just a blocked up ear and probable infection of some kind.

Cue Friday.

Henry got a late afternoon doctor's appointment.  He spent the day at the Grandparents playing and running around.  All in all, good spirits.  A normal day. 

We get to the doctor's office and it's Henry and me in the exam room.  He's chatting up a storm.  The doctor comes in and says "hi".  Checks Henry's ear.

"That's one big tater you got there, Henry."

Apparently, the doctor thinks Henry has so much ear wax in his ear that it has blocked the entire ear canal.  The doctor then calls in the poor nurse to water pik the wax out.  Otherwise known as the second worst job in nursing -- next to suppositories.

The nurse brings in the water pik and a tray that will catch the water and the ear wax.

Henry is a little nervous, but otherwise unfazed.

The nurse begins the water pik.  The first blast doesn't do much.  The second blast, though, did something.

Something is making its way down Henry's ear canal.

"Uh, what is that?"

"Oh my!  That's not ear wax?"

"Mr. Holman, hold the tray and don't touch that thing coming out of your son's ear while I go grab the doctor."

Then the nurse asks Henry, "Did you put something in your ear?"

Henry is silent.  He was crying after the second water blast and whatever alien life form that is now birthing itself from his left ear has sufficiently scared him.

The nurse leaves to grab the doctor.  So I begin the interrogation.

Rob (incredulously):   "Henry, did you put something in your ear?"

Henry (cowering with tears streaming from his eyes): "I put a bean in my ear."

Rob (holding back laughter):  "What?"

The doctor comes in.

Rob (attempting to report this as seriously as possible):  "Henry has a bean stuck in his ear."

A full-sized kidney bean.

In case you needed some size reference, here's a kidney bean pictured with a quarter.

The doctor pulled the kidney bean out of Henry's ear and plopped it into the tray.  If I had the ability to overcome shock and laughter, I would have snapped a photo of it.  Unfortunately, I was trying to convey seriousness at the same time that I was dying laughing.  I couldn't even think to get the camera out.

At the end of the kidney bean extraction, the doctor tells Henry not to put anymore beans or vegetables in his ear, then turns to me and ices the whole visit.

"Well, that's a first for me."

Well done, Henry.  You just gave Dr. Rich a career milestone.

In case you are wondering -- and so are we -- Henry allegedly stuck a bean in his ear during school because he thought it would be funny to show his friends how silly he was.  No one dared him to do it.  He just did it for the laughs.

Yes, he's that kid.  The one I could not stand in elementary school.  The goofball who jumps off the top of the playground equipment because no one else will -- then breaks his legs in the process.  The one-upper.

He then carried the lodged bean in his ear for over a week.

Let me say that again.

He put a kidney bean in his ear and enjoyed a monotone life for over a week because he wanted to look silly. 

Mission accomplished.

Don't tell him, but we're still laughing.

Henry's new Poogieville nickname is the Bean.  Well done, Henry.  You've earned your street cred on this one.

Moron.