Merry Christmas!

Have a Merry Christmas!

Memo to Apple and Steve Jobs: Your Warranty Sucks

Roughly 45 days ago, Erica purchased an iPhone.  She was pretty excited about it.  Still is (or was).

One day after her birthday, the iPhone fell out of her coat pocket (seriously) and onto the concrete garage floor.  The touch screen shattered like a cheap bar pint.
 
The damage looked something like this:

Amazingly, the actual software kept on working despite the broken glass, but rather than risk severing a finger or "bleed dialing", she decided to shut it down and take it to the Apple store. 

That's where it got interesting.

When you buy an iPhone, Apple offers a protection plan for $69 (ironic?) that covers gives you the impression that it functions like a warranty.  If the thing breaks, you should be able to take it in and they give you a new one. You know, just like a real warranty.

We were suckers and we purchased it.  I had a 30G iPod that bit the dust in a car cupholder.  I didn't have the protection plan, so I lost out on a replacement.  We figured we'd get the plan this time.  Makes sense, right?

Not at Apple.

What we didn't know is that for $69 you are basically buying a "tribute," not a warranty.  Think of it as liking the iPhone so much that you feel compelled to pay Apple an additional $69 to keep making trendy products that they can sell in their trendy little stores.  Want trendy?  There are no receipts at Apple.  Instead, thanks to your tribute, they e-mail the receipt to your home computer.  My-oh-my!  What a terrific idea!  How about I pay you $99 so you can also punch me in the balls?  What happens if I plunk down $129?  Hand over my first born?  Really?  Great.

Breathe. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10...

Anyway, when we took the iPhone into the Apple store, the friendly employee informed us that in order to remove the glass screen from the iPhone, they would have to charge Erica $200.  There is no warranty for accidental damage.

Cue the horn.

The Price is Right Losing Horns sound bite  The Price is Right sound bites

Apple made $8 billion dollars in the 4Q 2008.  That was 33.7% better on a gross margin basis from the same period in 2007.

Let me repeat that.

During the height of the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, Apple made $8 billion dollars -- in THREE MONTHS!

For perspective, in 3 short months, Apple made more money than the entire nations of Sierra Leone and Bhutan made in AN ENTIRE YEAR....COMBINED!

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9...

So, after being held for ransom at the Apple store and told that we either pay the $200 or use a phone capable of injuring its user during ordinary operation, we did what any other self-respecting sucker would do under similar circumstances -- we caved.

Adding further insult to the racket being run by Apple, we were told that the "fix" to the iPhone would take no more than 5 minutes.  WTF?  They had to unscramble a few letters and slap a new glass cover on the phone and it would be as good as new. 

The Apple repair team looked something like this:

Fagabeefe?  I hate you, Apple.

Seriously.  Five minutes for $200 and no happy ending?

Mr. Jobs would make a terrible prostitute.  

This One's For You, Pittsburgh

I've been waiting six years for this.  You'll be waiting 1:18.  Enjoy! 



Where else but YouTube can you find a 1:18 loop of Turkey Jones piledriving Terry Bradshaw into the grass painted cement floor of Cleveland Municipal Stadium?

After following tonight's Browns victory over the Steelers on my laptop computer here in Columbus -- which is both pathetic and sad -- I can now say that the 2009 Browns season was a huge success at 2-11.  It doesn't matter if they win another game.

Thank you, Cleveland!

Good night now.  Pittsburgh still sucks.

Don't Wash My Blanket!

Couldn't wait to share the trauma caused by watching one's favorite blanket struggle to survive a wash cycle.

Josie was absolutely beside herself.  Instead of helping her cope, we decided to tape the event for your enjoyment.

I think we just lost the Good Parenting Award for 2009.

My Son the Documentarian

Henry broke out the parents camera (without permission) and recorded a classic documentary of what the Ohio cousins do to pass the time during a Browns Sunday.

A couple of plot twists to watch for:

- Caroline's dollhouse is so "yesterday".
- Maura and Henry have a baby named Josephine?
- Josephine may have been attached to a Doodle-Pro.
- Speaking of Josie, did Maddy drop her or was that just me?
- Henry breaks off the show before facing certain punishment upstairs.

Enjoy!

The First Snow

Black Friday turned white for Holmans-North.  What were supposed to be flurries turned into 2 inches of heavy wet snow on the day after Thanksgiving.

So much for shopping.

Erica and the kids were giddy.  You would have thought school was canceled.  I hated to break it to them that we were already on vacation.

The kids were quickly outfitted in last year's snowsuits and hustled outside.  It's fun to see how much your kids have grown over the course of one year by comparing them to last year's snowsuit.

Unfortunately, it also increases their chances of frostbite, self-imposed wedgies and being pummeled by bullies for looking ridiculous.

The kids and I used the unusually wet snow to make the fastest melting snowman in neighborhood history.  Using half of the backyard for snowman material, we managed to finish a giant snowman only to watch it fall over in less than twenty minutes.

I'm happy to point out that the base of the snowman is still going strong more than 48 hours after construction.  Unfortunately, it's going to be in the upper 50's today. 

I don't think it'll make it to December.

A Poogie Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving in the books here in Poogieville.  This year's edition included Uncle Chris, Aunt Holly, Tyler and Autumn who joined us for the feast. 

The turkey was deep-fried for the fourth consecutive year.  Erica shot some footage of me from the kitchen.

 

In case you were wondering, I always fry turkeys in full flame retardant gear and I always invite the local media to watch me set the neighborhood on fire.

The weather was fantastic this year.  For those of you who have braved a Thanksgiving over at Holmans-North, it's either going to be sunny and in the 60's or windy and snowing sideways. 

There are no "in-betweens" in NE Ohio.

Here are the kids before the cousins arrived.  They waited nearly fifteen minutes at the front door for the fun to start.  I love their dedication.

Here's a picture of the deep-fried bird.  She topped the scales at roughly ninteen pounds and took an hour or so to fry.

Here's a picture of the fryor.  He topped in at 200 lbs. with the walking boots and November scruff.  I have no clue how long I would take to crisp up, but in 2001 it only took about three hours in the Sarasota sun.

(A note about Erica: she did another fantastic job putting together some all-star sides and putting up with me.)

Caroline was Mom's kitchen helper this year.  She even stirred the corn casserole and sunk the butter patties with a butter knife.

And then Caroline proceeded to "plant" the butter knife in the corn casserole and it was thoroughly baked into the side dish at 350 degrees.  A thank you to Holly for finding the knife during dinner.

If anyone in our family ever does time, have Caroline send you her version of "Corn Casserole".  You'll be out in no time.  I'm sure she can also fit a shiv into a Dora book, if you need it.

We used our red wine glasses this year.  Ironically, our red wine glasses are actually white wine glasses.   Thus, if someone asks you if you want red wine glasses for a gift, make sure you specify whether it is a red wine glass or a Red Wine glass.

Don't make me explain the difference.

(We love you, Nana.)

And speaking of parents.  The Big Guy and Grandma were on the shelf with BG's version of alien childbirth -- kidney stones.

Erica made two meals for the grandparents and I ran slowly walked it over.  Here's me and my dad on Thanksgiving enjoying the view from the medical ward.

I'd try to spin a funny story about kidney stones, but I don't think there is one.

Here's a picture of me and BG's "nurse" before they broke into costume.  C'mon, you know they totally did.

Finally, we concluded Thanksgiving with a visit from the neighbors who are back from nearly two months in Arizona.  The homecoming was bittersweet for us.  I mean, those late-night parties we hosted at their house were wild and fun.  I had no idea how we were going to get zebra dung off the carpet or the midget out of their dishwasher.

Thank God for Goo-Gone and a crowbar.

(Yes, I know the correct term is "little person.")

Anyway, the kids made up for lost time and were put in trance by our movie theater popcorn popper.  If Mason ever asks you to eat his popcorn, take my advice.  Don't. 

Mason believes in warming the popcorn kernels to about 75 degrees, then dumping them straight into a bowl. 

He's probably going to loose some teeth that way.

Running in Your Mid-30's: A Cautionary Tale

It's been a slow go for the Mayor of Poogieville.

The picture below helps describe the situation.

Nope. It isn't the fact that I'm watching E! entertainment television clips of Johnny Depp. Although, that's weird in and of itself.

Nope. The consequence of starting an unsupervised running regimen in your mid-30's is that you might end up doing what I did. You see, those are my feet.

Two broken ankles.

At least two torn tendons.

And six weeks of humiliation sporting not one, but two walking boots.

Can someone get me a beer from the fridge? This sucks.

No Theme Required: Randomness in Poogieville

Here's the answer to the question: "What we do on a Friday night?"

More random pictures below.

Caroline (photo by Josie, 2009)

Erica (photo by Erica, 2009)

[Editor's Note: Makeup by Caroline]

Anti-Gravity Josie (photo by Caroline, 2009)

Happy Henry (photo by Caroline, 2009)

And lastly, the Two Peg.

More on that in a minute...

Me. (photo by Caroline, 2009)

Bye-Kea in Words

Bye-Kea weekend.

Our annual trip to Ikea during the Browns bye week.

If you need visuals, Billy Brew has a couple of pictures posted on Holmanium and a nice write-up on the trip.

We used the Browns bye week to extend Caroline's birthday and to erase the horror that has become the Cleveland Browns football season. As a wrinkle, we made the trip into an overnight with a stop at Great Wolf Lodge in Mason, Ohio and a picnic at Loveland Castle.

We managed to not take a single picture during the trip, which is a shame because there were plenty of moments that were blogworthy.

Bill's depiction is accurate, though.

Indoor waterparks have an over-abundance of the following:

1. Tattoos - I reached my lifetime quota of "tramp-stamps" and armband "barbed wire" tattoos during the visit to GWL.

For those who want to see what funny looks like, I found this on the web. [Note the heavy use of skinny-boy flex with the tricep...this dude was a master at his craft.]

2. Body hair - I thought I was at a Joseph Enterprises convention. I kept looking for the guy below to make an appearance:

3. Unhealthy lack of friendly advice - if you are wearing a bathing suit that makes someone around you throw up in their own mouth, you should not come to the waterpark.

See below:

4. Spooky animatronics. GWL provides its guests with a twice-daily rendition of some song that is a total knock-off of Lion King's "Circle of Life". Freaky-looking animatronic animals and a mannequin-esque Native American girl move around and sing a song to the same tune but with lyrics that caution children that "there's nothing to be afraid of at GWL."

It was creepy. We didn't stick around for the end.

Overall, though, everyone had a ball.

Good times.

Caroline: They Say It's Your Birthday!

Caroline celebrated her 4th birthday on November 4th. For those who don't know, she was born a middle child two and one half years before Josie arrived.

We almost named her Bill.

Anyway, poor Caroline. Her birthday started out rough. Her 4 year checkup resulted in a flu misting AND a shot. Not the best planning, but thankfully I pulled the long straw.

I feel bad for Mom, though. I heard it was fairly traumatic.

If I were the doctor, I'd strongly consider witness protection. As a warning to the unwary, Caroline's DEFCON 1 is calling someone a "maniac". If she throws that at you, she considers you dead to her.

Think of Caroline's logo as follows:


I think her pediatrician made the "maniac" list.

I worry about the next appointment.

But let's cut back to the birthday.

Apparently, shots, flu mists and birthday drama lead to drowsiness. This is CP2 shortly before her birthday party.

Despite her rough morning and her late nap, Caroline rallied nicely for the big show. Here's the birthday girl opening gifts.

And the group of cousins who joined the celebration.

When it came to the cake, Caroline surprised her old man by hanging in for the full Happy Birthday song without tears. In fact, she almost blew out her candles before remembering how un-Holman North it is to enjoy birthday singing and candle blowouts.

There's always next year, kiddo!

Seriously though, CP2 is the apple of her dad's eye and there's nothing we wouldn't do to get a slew of smiles on her special day.

Or at least that's what I will continue to tell her so she doesn't put me on the "maniac" list.

Happy Birthday, Caroline!

The Earnestness of Caroline Paige

Vintage Caroline. Serious, solemn and unabashedly deserving of a hug.

Stay with this video to see why.

When asked, Caroline said the reason she cried was because she wanted to go to Mommy.

I thought she was crying because of the Ninja. That kid was selling it.

Halloween 2009: Poogie Style

This year, October was a blur. No pumpkin patches. No fighting off bees at the kettle corn stand. No corn mazes. Nothing.

Weird.

Nevertheless, the family did manage to run the gauntlet of pre-Halloween parties.

There was the Hudson Preschool Parents throwdown where our niece's kindergarten teacher was the entertainment.

[Editor's Note: Dude does magic AND wears rainbow suspenders! Anyone know of anything more courageous than that? Me neither.]

Here are the girls at the HPP function:

Then there was the Penn State v. Michigan neighborhood party where I went in as an IU fan sporting a 25 point lead on the road at Northwestern and left a one point loser.

Insert your prophetic statements concerning my life here.

Actually, it was fun to watch people actually concerned about Saturday afternoon college football. It was strange.

And did I mention that I drank the sting of the IU loss to excess?

Well, if not, there's only one way to challenge me under those circumstances...put a knife in my hand and let me carve a $6.00 rotten pumpkin!

Yep. They wheeled a despondent and partially loaded dad over to Uncle Bill's house for pumpkin carving after the first party.

Here's the result:


A couple of notes on the carving this year.

1. Carving a rotten gourd is depressing, especially when you know you paid top dollar for it.
2. Henry actually designed his own pumpkin this year. Erica performed the knife work.
3. Don't drink and carve.

Anyway, in case you were wondering. Caroline was Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Henry was Iron Man. Josephine was Minnie Mouse.


Uncle Bill? He was a pirate. It made everything he said on Halloween easier to put into context.

We'll leave you with an ear-to-ear smile from our little Joey who thinks fallen leaves are cool to crush under her tiny-sized shoes.

Next up, Caroline's birthday on November 4th.

A Mid-Morning Jesus Rave with the Holman Girls

Caroline and Josephine are totally hooked on the songs from Henry's VBS -- which was over three months ago. Whatever subliminal mumbo-jumbo is conveniently hidden in those tracks has brainwashed my girls into dancing fools.

All we're missing is the tamborines, shaved-heads and airport literature and I can qualify the family as a 501(c)(3).

Anyway, check this out.

IU 38, Akron 21: Rob Avoids Alma Maters Tying

We made it out to the IU/Akron football game at Akron's new football stadium.

Here's the hilariously short article from the Indianapolis Star concerning the game. In case you didn't make it to the game or catch it on the Big Ten Network, the Hoosiers carried the day 38-21.

It will be the last victory for the Hoosier football program this year. Savor it.


And when you get done savoring the Hoosier football season, I want to leave you with this image of what they call "Magnifico Nachos" at Brubaker's Pub in downtown Akron, Ohio.


Apparently, the names "Cha-Cha-Cha Maker" and "What Spain Killed the Aztecs With" were taken.

Congratulations to the Hoosiers on another three-win football season.

It makes watching a Browns game seem optimistic, even though it's clearly not.

Caroline's First Day of Pre-School

Caroline started pre-school last week. It's a pretty big deal because Caroline is Henry's biggest admirer/competitor, so being on her own without her noteworthy wingman has, at times, proven difficult (read: impossible).

Yes, I know she has a younger sister.

Judging by the picture below, it's obvious that Josie is not ready for girly breakout sessions.



Anyway, back to Caroline and her first day of pre-school.

Caroline was all smiles in the warmup. Mom did all of the Jim Rickon PMA talking points.

"You'll meet new friends!"

"You'll have fun playing and singing!"

"You're going to be fine!"

Et cetera, etc.




Caroline was pumped up and buying into it.

Here she is (below) performing the "O-H" "I-O" chant. (That's too bad since she's going to IU when she grows up.)

Or maybe she's predicting the number of Browns victories in September. Or Buckeye wins against ranked opponents. Or Hoosier victories in the Big Ten.

I could go on, but I believe that horse is glue.




Back to Caroline's first day. It seemed like the idea of singing and dancing at school excited her! Here she is (below) moments later in full Mary Poppins-mode.



And if we could stop the story there, we'd be able to tell you that she enjoyed every moment of her first day of pre-school and begged us to go back the next day.

But you know our sweet Caroline.



Wait for it...



...wait for it...




The clock struck midnight and the carriage became a pumpkin. So much for all that singing and dancing.

"School is stupid."

-Caroline Paige Holman, countless times in September, 2009

We Have Met Put-in-Bay and It Is Ours

Last weekend, we took the kids out to Put-in-Bay, Ohio.

For those who don't know about PIB, that's Ohio's version of "island living". To me, it's just another tourist trap that needed to be put out of it's misery by the Holmans.

Here we are on the ferry boat ride from Catawba Island (not an island, BTW) to PIB. In case you were wondering, that's a 3 o'clock sun on Lake Erie. Dad didn't have high hopes that PIB could entertain his brood for a full day.

Dad was probably right.

We rented a 6-person golf cart to travel around the island. Since it was Labor Day weekend, cars were not allowed on the island. We were one of the last ones to get a cart. If it wasn't for Erica getting into a fist fight with a line cutter, we would have been walking that God-forsaken island.

The kids thought the cart was "awesome". I think Erica is awesome. I'm also slightly scared of her.

Our first stop was the Perry Monument. It's under construction so we didn't try to climb it. Since it's taller than the Statue of Liberty, that's probably a good thing.

I got the kids to give their best impression of the monument.

This was their effort. I don't think Joey was into it, do you?



After a brief walk around the monument, we made our way back through town where the smell of booze, cheap lobster bisque and tattooed toothless biker babes was more than one could bear.

It makes one wonder what Canada thinks of us.

Anyway, Caroline, Henry and I decided we would tackle Perry's Cave -- another PIB tribute to the man who whooped the British navy in 1813.

Strangely, the kids got caught up in gem stone mining outside the cave (read: tourist trap for children).

Here's how it worked:

Spend $10 on a bag of sand. Yes, a bag of sand. Then, take it outside to dump in a screener.


Screen out the sand and look for gemstones in the bag.


Henry found a few "gems".

And if you look close enough, the "gems" are actually pieces of glass from the nearby booze huts.

In normal society, we call that a scam. In PIB, we call it family fun.

Granted, we never paid the $10 for the useless sand bag. No, not the Holmans. We just positioned ourselves at the end of the trough where all of the sand and "gems" had come out of the other suckers who paid the money for it.

We panned for gems like it was 1849 -- at other people's expense.

That's how you entertain a family during a recession.

Afterwards, we followed the cave and gemstone mining fiasco with some chocolate and fudge. Caroline was pretty happy to watch Mom tackle a chocolate-covered Twinkie.

Truthfully, so was I.

Josie was just happy to be out of the back seat of the golf cart.

PIB. Where else can you mix drunk, toothless tattooed freaks with family fun?

Please don't answer that. I don't want to know where we have to go next.