Who's Afraid of the Second Worst Beachfront in the U.S.?

Not the Holmans.

On Saturday, we joined "Holmans-South" (Bill's crew, minus Madelyn) on a trek to the Mentor Headlands Beach on Lake Erie.

We started off with a stop at Scooter's World Famous Dawg House in Mentor, Ohio for some much-hyped hot dogs.

You know, beach food.

If I hadn't eaten a cheeseburger rescued from a salt-mine the night before, I might have enjoyed the Super Dawg (a foot long dog with brown mustard, sauerkraut, chili and coney sauce).

It sounded good for some reason, like the idea of going to a Lake Erie beach. I still haven't figured out why.

Instead, I struggled to understand how a diet of beer, salty cheeseburgers, donuts and hotdogs fail to mix in proper proportions.

Erica, this is why you should never allow me to be upwind on the weekend.


For those who don't know, there are a couple of rules/things you should know about swimming in Lake Erie.

1. Cleveland was the epicenter of the American Industrial Revolution -- thus, it isn't cool to just swim in Lake Erie, it's only cool to survive swimming in Lake Erie.

2. The Lake Erie bottom is riddled with rocks ranging from stones to f-ing boulders -- if you try to run into the Lake, you can kiss your pedestrian lifestyle goodbye.

3. Do not swim past the buoys, even if you think the buoy is only a few feet from shore -- Vin Diesel and the Sea-Doo Morons will decapitate you.

4. Don't drink the water because, from where we live, two weeks ago you pooped in it.


Which leaves me with the main reason why it took me 34 years to swim in our much-maligned Great Lake.

I just got done reading our local newspaper.

The Plain Dealer reported on Wednesday that Lake Erie beaches are the second worst in the United States (three years running - yeah, Cleveland!).

Were we afraid? Nope.

Were we under-informed? Probably, but who cares.

As my sister-in-law put it, "you'd have to be at the beach every day to die from the things they're talking about."

If my sister-in-law hadn't been raised on a steady diet of Spam and Robert Redford, yet survived, I wouldn't have believed her. Instead, I took her words as the gospel.

In fact, I want to thank the columnists at the Plain Dealer for attempting to make our Lake Erie getaway easier by thinning the crowds with their spooky stories about E. Coli and raw sewage.

It didn't dissuade our crew from digging up to their necks in the beauty and splendor of Lake Erie.

Maura was game.

Below is a picture of Henry throwing one of the many rocks he found on the beach. Notice the unsuspecting swimmer in the direct path of his throw. Blame it on the mercury poisoning. I did.

For the record, we visited Headlands Beach in between two non-attainment days. I went crazy and actually looked it up. See for yourself.

What a relief?