Disney World: The Long, Strange (Fun) Trip

Did you miss us? 

You see, I just awakened from a four and one half week, self-imposed off-air hiatus.

Why, you ask? 

Well, this year, Erica and I thought it would be a great idea to do Disney with the kids.

Ideas are great.  Actual practice is another thing.  This was a challenge, folks.

• 36 hour drive round trip
• 4 kids under 8 years of age
• 90 - 95 degree weather each day
• Florida: it sucks the life out of you, slowly
• a POS rental minivan made by laborers with no sense of humor
• no DVD player for the trip
• a 6 month old in tow

And how did it go?  Well, we actually had a great time, but we (E and I) are still tired.  The kids won on this vacation.  The parents?  Not so much.

Since alcohol, sleep and work have prevailed upon me since then, I can only summarize the trip in digestable sound bytes.  For those who don't follow the family Twitter feed (@HecajoWill) and missed our minute-by-minute updates, here is your game summary of our Disney trip v.2.0:

First, the likes.

• Hollywood Studios works for our age range (8, 5, 3, 6 months).  Everyone got something out of it, even though Will's "something" was mostly lactose.
• Two double-strollers.  Credit to Erica on that one.  She ordered them delivered to the house we stayed at.  There were no complaints from the kiddies and even Willie enjoyed the ride.
• The rain.  It was hotter than a hinge in Hades every day.  The rain started almost every day at 2 or 3p.  I had no problem with it.  Gave us an escape excuse to go back to the house to swim.
• The virtual rides.  Star Tours, Soarin', Toy Story 3.  Walt Disney would totally crap himself if he could see the creativity of those rides through all of the ice he currently has around his cryogenically frozen head.  The kids loved them.
• The classics.  It's a Small World.  Peter Pan.  The Haunted Mansion.  Pirates of the Caribbean.  The kids dig the staples when you share it with them.  
• Germany.  We are only two kids away from having our own buffet table in Epcot Center's Germany exhibit.  Dare to dream.  I don't think Erica will let me use that excuse to have two more kids, though.
• Staying off Disney property.  We rented a house for a week in foreclosure alley just outside the gates of Disney.  A grand for a week got us an enclosed pool, spa, 4 bedroom, 3 bath home.  I highly recommend it.  No buses, no noisy neighbors, no overpriced meals.
• The last night fireworks at Magic Kingdom.  We really nailed the last day in Disney.  We did the morning at Hollywood Studios for the repeat rides that the kids loved.  Came home and swam.  Then, did dinner in Magic Kingdom and saw the late parade and fireworks with the kids.  Pretty special times.  E and I got misty together.
• Yellow Dog Eats.  The best meal of the trip.  Staying off property allowed us to take a rest day and visit with Nana and the Funkhousers who joined us while vacationing in Daytona Beach.  We Googled the best barbecue in Orlando and found this hidden gem in Windermere, FL.  Yummy pulled pork nachos and sandwiches.  If you get a chance to go, it is worth the trip.
• Listening to the Holman symphony.  Probably my favorite thing about vacations is the unexpected conversations you have or listen to when with the kids.  Whether it was three year old Joey holding her own with big brother and big sister (i.e. telling Henry his interest in Indiana Jones made him a "loser") or Caroline explaining to you the virtues of the Disney Princesses, the conversations and sounds were one my proudest and most enjoyed moments of the trip.
• Erica.  The cannonballs.  The cackle laugh.  Her sense of fun.  She is so much fun to be with.  I just wonder if she finds it annoying that I enjoy watching her act like a goofball more than any other thing in the world?

Now, the dislikes: 

• Central Florida.  How anyone can move to Orlando and be happy is beyond me.  Being there made me feel confident in a city like Detroit and, according to some of you snobs, I'm supposed to know living in Cleveland.
• Animal Kingdom.  Too narrow.  Too far between rides.  If I wanted to visit the zoo, I'd stay in Cleveland.  What can you give me that a zoo does not already have?  Of course, following the entire country of Brazil -- there were a couple of tour groups from said country going through AK when we were there -- through AK probably diminished my desire for the park.  However, none of the kids liked it and E and I were in agreement that it sucked.
• Parents with high expectations.  To the two douche bag dads who nearly came to blows at the Disney, Jr. pre-school aged kid show at Hollywood Studios because one didn't say sorry to the other for accidentally bumping into each other and the two families who nearly went "Hatfield v. McCoy" in the Magic Kindgom parking lot when one car door accidentally dinged another car, nearly setting off a parking lot throwdown between each opposing family member, please get a life.  There is nothing that tells us more about how terrible we are as human beings than anger over triviality.  I must say, though, watching it happen is pretty funny (and sad) stuff.
• Downtown Disney.  If you can't get into the four Disney parks, going there will make you wish you never did.  
• Planet Hollywood at Downtown Disney.  All of the memorabilia from the crappiest movies ever made served with the menu straight from TGIFriday and dressed up with the soundtrack from a lower Manhattan rave.  We couldn't find another restaurant to take our gigantic party of six.  PH was the only place open and ready to serve us.  Now I know why.
• Fourth of July Weekend on Lido Beach.  Holy rednecks, Batman!  There's a boat race in the Gulf of Mexico and every neck with a barbed wire armband tattoo, a skanky wife/girlfriend and an extra $500 reserves a spot on the beach to make ordinary life in Sarasota, Florida intolerable.  Fortunately, it was only a day and no one got close enough to measure my sarcasm.  It was overflowing and likely to get me in trouble if anyone asked.  
• Dodge Caravans.  Please.  Anyone who wants to make a "buy American" argument when it comes to minivans should try driving the POS rental that we got for the trip.  There is no comparison to Honda or Toyota minivans.  None.  Sadly, both Florida trips -- the Dodge Durango of 2006 and the Dodge Caravan of 2011 -- make me convinced that American automakers are f-ing clueless when it comes to minivans and SUVs...and we f-ing created minivans and SUVs!  I love America, but I don't have to prove it by hopping on a pile of crap and imagining it has four workable wheels and an engine.  My grandfather once said as he gazed at my dad's Datsun Sentra, "You know Bill, when you drive one of those it just proves the Japs won the war."  That quote was meant for American guilt and it stuck with me.  And maybe he was right, but he never had to drive 4 kids under 8 to Florida on an 36 hour bender.  This just in to those listening, Dodge Caravans suck donkeys and I'll concede that point to my Japanese colleagues. 

Now the rest in pictures:              

Will and Dad with matching farmer's tan.

The Noodler

We made use of the people in line for Pirates of the Caribbean.  Yes, Will went down the ride strapped to my bustling chest.

Henry would probably say the pool was his favorite thing of the trip.  Go figure?

The aforesaid POS Caravan.

Our mode of in-park transport: the Double Stroller.

Joey loved the Joey rides.

Thought it was weird when she complained about the little people with her background.



Only in Germany can you find the aggressive tools of nationalism in the form of a fuzzy, sweet child's toy.  BTW, I got my butt kicked by the three Holmans of the Apocalypse.



"And that is the spirit of Norway...".

Did someone say fireworks?  Assume the position, Joey.

Disney's "See What You Look Like as a 5-year old" ride.

After placing some bets at the dog track, Will relaxed with Mom in the pool.

Jo Jo is a dog lover.

Indiana Jones nirvana for Henry.

The obligatory Holman kid couch shot.

Indeed, Will.  What is up, dog?

Josephine hit the spin-ride trifecta.

Our sweet pad on Lido Beach in Sarasota BTNR (Before the Neck Race).

Caroline was probably the most blown away of our kids by the Disney experience.

Fin.  See you in 5 years, Orlando.  Next time, we fly.