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Full Frontal Nature

Rather than brave Black Friday at the malls and shopping centers of NE Ohio, we escaped to Port Clinton, Ohio for the Ohio version of an "African" Safari. 

Translation: Animals you'd expect to see in Colorado.  Buffalo, elk, alpacas and white-tailed deer.

You know, a real safari.

The African Safari Park in Port Clinton, Ohio is a 2 mile drive-thru where the animals are waiting to be fed from those passing through the park.  It's a domesticated livestock ranch and you are the entertainment.

Unfortunately for those who are looking for insightful commentary from the Holmans, you will find none here.  You see, we are raising an 8 year-old boy and a 6 year-old girl who is always looking to "one-up" her big brother.  Therefore, when the 8 year-old boy goes 8 year-old boy on the excretory habits of animals on the "safari," it spreads like wildfire.  We were not much help.  Poop jokes are just too easy to resist.

Prepare yourself for more pooping and peeing than a German Sauerkraut-eating contest.

And again.

And still again.

Henry was pretty tough when the windows were up.  However, as you can see from below, he softened up once the windows went down. 

The little ones were throwing the carrots from the back seat.

The fearless Mayor was at the wheel.

Caroline and Henry were riding shotgun.



Upon our return to Twinsburg, we quickly bee-lined to the nearest car wash to sandblast the caked on layers of Alpaca slobber and cholera we picked up at the park.  Because nothing says safari like a good bout of cholera.

Thanksgiving 2011

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Turkey Trotters

Will has been taking a few steps for us for the past week or so.  We finally got some film of it.  Enjoy!

And some earlier film of Will stepping and clapping.

And Josie being Josie.

Caroline: The Sixer

Caroline Paige.  The quiet and shy Holman. 

CP turned six on Friday the 4th but we decided to celebrate the occasion on Saturday due to my jacked up travel schedule.  

I managed to make it back late on Friday night to find C asleep in our bed.  Luckily, CP is easy to please at this stage.  I asked her what she wanted from the bayou and she, without hesitating, said, "Skittles, daddy.  Skittles."  

I love this child.

Boys, if you are paying attention, the girl's love can be bought with high fructose corn syrup and some snappy packaging.

I manged to do a little better than Skittles, though.  We had a birthday party with family and friends on Saturday and Caroline had a blast!  

Little Erica circa November 2005.

Caroline enjoying a Disney show in June 2011.

I said quiet and shy, right?

Joey nervously anticipating the singing of happy birthday.

The crew ranged from 10 months to 11 years old.

Surprisingly, Josie is apparently unphased by the singing of happy birthday now.  Another sad reminder of how fast kids grow up.  I guess there's always Will to traumatize for the time being.

His birthday is in roughly one month and judging on how bad I sing the song, the kid is going to be in tears.

Henry: The DC Lobbyist

There is little doubt in my mind that Henry's career as a K Street lobbyist in Washington, DC began on Wednesday, November 2, 2011.  You see, that was the date that Henry was asked to appear before the Twinsburg Board of Education to be recognized as the top second grade fund raiser for their annual read-a-thon.

Sure, he could aspire to be a doctor or a lawyer, but those people are morons. 

After all, I should know.  I once played doctor with a girl from Terre Haute and someone once handed me a license to practice law.  The real money is in PACs and campaign bundling.  Those scags in DC and Columbus are ridiculous and are practically untouchable.

Don't think Henry is a natural for fuzzy accounting and fundraising, check him out in the video below and listen to him tell you how much money he raised for the second grade: 

That's right, $230,000.60!  Eat that Koch Brothers!  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, George Soros!

The bundler before his big moment.

I read.  I raised cash.  I conquered.

Henry and Mrs. Johnson, his principal, after he told her he could raise $1.5M for a new facility.

For those still reading this post, I hate having to point out the obvious, but to the kid who allegedly read over 3,000 minutes in 12 days?  I have to question the validity of that. 

I mean, c'mon now, son.  That's more than four hours per day of reading!  Put your book down and go play outside.  Ride a bike.  You have your whole life to waste on the sequel to "A Diary of a Wimpy Kid".

But that's just sour grapes from the parent whose son just raised nearly a quarter million dollars for Twinsburg schools, baby! 

Get some.

Halloween

Two posts in a little over two days? Is everything okay in Poogieville?  We think so.

In the interests of time, I'm dispensing with the formality.  Halloween firsts this year: Will celebrated his first trick or treat and Josie did her first pre-school show.

Let the pictures do the talking, Poogie. 

The dragon and his very hairy father.

The Bills discuss griffin magic and strange looking Halloween decorations.

Equal lap time.

The kids pose with Jake the Boston Terrier (not the one on the right...the one hidden in the middle).

Darth Vader and the Real Housewife of Tattooine.

Will and the Mayor at Phineas and Ferb show.

The crew after the live Phineas and Ferb show.

Will showing off his Elton John hair.

The kids pose for the obligatory Halloween shot on our stairs.

Like I said, equal lap time.



Vignettes

Yeah, we know.  Long time, no bloggie. 

We're raising a decent sized litter here.  Baseball games, baseball practices, basketball games, basketball practices, PSR x 2, tap lessons, jazz dance lessons, cheerleading practice, homework, school, after-school programs, birthday parties, two naps a day, and a ten-month old who is nearly walking.

Josie wants to add a gymnastics class.

I want to add an undocumented alien with a knack for housekeeping and soft hands. 

I'm not so sure about the housekeeping part.  (Wink).

Anydoodle, here we are.  We do stuff.  Lots of stuff.  We also take pictures -- occasionally.  For our 11th wedding anniversary Erica and I took a kidless trip to Chicago and snapped a grand total of four pictures -- all clean.

Well, maybe not "all" clean if you dig interpretative art. 

I'm sure someone [Bill] will be able to interpret the artist's eye on this random shot outside the Chicago MoMA.

Light as a feather...

Tall building = easy comic sequitur.  Oh and by the way,before anyone goes, "Rob, you're such a juvenile," the building shot was Erica's idea. 

I'm sure there's a joke there too.

Here's another of the four pictures from Chicago.  This one was a timer shot off of the overpriced wet bar in our room at the Drake Hotel.  It cost us $9.37 to take this picture.  Apparently, unused wetbars run nearly ten bucks in Chicago.

Go figure.



The 11th Anniversary Gift is the headlock.

Going back a ways, the kids helped Mom (Nana) celebrate her 27th birthday back in Terre Haute.



Photogenic pair, if you ask me.

Funky Holmans Hoffman.

When I get my act together, I'll pull some of the Traverse City pictures out.  In the meantime, here's a cute shot of the newer brothers Holman -- Henry and Will -- in Michigan.

"We can't overlook the role of the full moon."

-Wolfman Apologist

Henry's first day of school was in August.  I'm just now posting picture of it.  How pathetic is that?

Don't answer that.

Henry's bus on the first day.
In other news, the Mayor of Poogieville needs a hairpiece.

Jim Thome's homecoming game at Jacobs Field.

Caroline's first (second) day of school.

Caroline and Caroline cheering for Twinsburg.



Five Good Minutes in Chicago

From one of the best time-lapse artists on the planet.     

Good Morning Chicago - Your daily sunrise for the month of June from Craig Shimala on Vimeo.

Disney World: The Long, Strange (Fun) Trip

Did you miss us? 

You see, I just awakened from a four and one half week, self-imposed off-air hiatus.

Why, you ask? 

Well, this year, Erica and I thought it would be a great idea to do Disney with the kids.

Ideas are great.  Actual practice is another thing.  This was a challenge, folks.

• 36 hour drive round trip
• 4 kids under 8 years of age
• 90 - 95 degree weather each day
• Florida: it sucks the life out of you, slowly
• a POS rental minivan made by laborers with no sense of humor
• no DVD player for the trip
• a 6 month old in tow

And how did it go?  Well, we actually had a great time, but we (E and I) are still tired.  The kids won on this vacation.  The parents?  Not so much.

Since alcohol, sleep and work have prevailed upon me since then, I can only summarize the trip in digestable sound bytes.  For those who don't follow the family Twitter feed (@HecajoWill) and missed our minute-by-minute updates, here is your game summary of our Disney trip v.2.0:

First, the likes.

• Hollywood Studios works for our age range (8, 5, 3, 6 months).  Everyone got something out of it, even though Will's "something" was mostly lactose.
• Two double-strollers.  Credit to Erica on that one.  She ordered them delivered to the house we stayed at.  There were no complaints from the kiddies and even Willie enjoyed the ride.
• The rain.  It was hotter than a hinge in Hades every day.  The rain started almost every day at 2 or 3p.  I had no problem with it.  Gave us an escape excuse to go back to the house to swim.
• The virtual rides.  Star Tours, Soarin', Toy Story 3.  Walt Disney would totally crap himself if he could see the creativity of those rides through all of the ice he currently has around his cryogenically frozen head.  The kids loved them.
• The classics.  It's a Small World.  Peter Pan.  The Haunted Mansion.  Pirates of the Caribbean.  The kids dig the staples when you share it with them.  
• Germany.  We are only two kids away from having our own buffet table in Epcot Center's Germany exhibit.  Dare to dream.  I don't think Erica will let me use that excuse to have two more kids, though.
• Staying off Disney property.  We rented a house for a week in foreclosure alley just outside the gates of Disney.  A grand for a week got us an enclosed pool, spa, 4 bedroom, 3 bath home.  I highly recommend it.  No buses, no noisy neighbors, no overpriced meals.
• The last night fireworks at Magic Kingdom.  We really nailed the last day in Disney.  We did the morning at Hollywood Studios for the repeat rides that the kids loved.  Came home and swam.  Then, did dinner in Magic Kingdom and saw the late parade and fireworks with the kids.  Pretty special times.  E and I got misty together.
• Yellow Dog Eats.  The best meal of the trip.  Staying off property allowed us to take a rest day and visit with Nana and the Funkhousers who joined us while vacationing in Daytona Beach.  We Googled the best barbecue in Orlando and found this hidden gem in Windermere, FL.  Yummy pulled pork nachos and sandwiches.  If you get a chance to go, it is worth the trip.
• Listening to the Holman symphony.  Probably my favorite thing about vacations is the unexpected conversations you have or listen to when with the kids.  Whether it was three year old Joey holding her own with big brother and big sister (i.e. telling Henry his interest in Indiana Jones made him a "loser") or Caroline explaining to you the virtues of the Disney Princesses, the conversations and sounds were one my proudest and most enjoyed moments of the trip.
• Erica.  The cannonballs.  The cackle laugh.  Her sense of fun.  She is so much fun to be with.  I just wonder if she finds it annoying that I enjoy watching her act like a goofball more than any other thing in the world?

Now, the dislikes: 

• Central Florida.  How anyone can move to Orlando and be happy is beyond me.  Being there made me feel confident in a city like Detroit and, according to some of you snobs, I'm supposed to know living in Cleveland.
• Animal Kingdom.  Too narrow.  Too far between rides.  If I wanted to visit the zoo, I'd stay in Cleveland.  What can you give me that a zoo does not already have?  Of course, following the entire country of Brazil -- there were a couple of tour groups from said country going through AK when we were there -- through AK probably diminished my desire for the park.  However, none of the kids liked it and E and I were in agreement that it sucked.
• Parents with high expectations.  To the two douche bag dads who nearly came to blows at the Disney, Jr. pre-school aged kid show at Hollywood Studios because one didn't say sorry to the other for accidentally bumping into each other and the two families who nearly went "Hatfield v. McCoy" in the Magic Kindgom parking lot when one car door accidentally dinged another car, nearly setting off a parking lot throwdown between each opposing family member, please get a life.  There is nothing that tells us more about how terrible we are as human beings than anger over triviality.  I must say, though, watching it happen is pretty funny (and sad) stuff.
• Downtown Disney.  If you can't get into the four Disney parks, going there will make you wish you never did.  
• Planet Hollywood at Downtown Disney.  All of the memorabilia from the crappiest movies ever made served with the menu straight from TGIFriday and dressed up with the soundtrack from a lower Manhattan rave.  We couldn't find another restaurant to take our gigantic party of six.  PH was the only place open and ready to serve us.  Now I know why.
• Fourth of July Weekend on Lido Beach.  Holy rednecks, Batman!  There's a boat race in the Gulf of Mexico and every neck with a barbed wire armband tattoo, a skanky wife/girlfriend and an extra $500 reserves a spot on the beach to make ordinary life in Sarasota, Florida intolerable.  Fortunately, it was only a day and no one got close enough to measure my sarcasm.  It was overflowing and likely to get me in trouble if anyone asked.  
• Dodge Caravans.  Please.  Anyone who wants to make a "buy American" argument when it comes to minivans should try driving the POS rental that we got for the trip.  There is no comparison to Honda or Toyota minivans.  None.  Sadly, both Florida trips -- the Dodge Durango of 2006 and the Dodge Caravan of 2011 -- make me convinced that American automakers are f-ing clueless when it comes to minivans and SUVs...and we f-ing created minivans and SUVs!  I love America, but I don't have to prove it by hopping on a pile of crap and imagining it has four workable wheels and an engine.  My grandfather once said as he gazed at my dad's Datsun Sentra, "You know Bill, when you drive one of those it just proves the Japs won the war."  That quote was meant for American guilt and it stuck with me.  And maybe he was right, but he never had to drive 4 kids under 8 to Florida on an 36 hour bender.  This just in to those listening, Dodge Caravans suck donkeys and I'll concede that point to my Japanese colleagues. 

Now the rest in pictures:              

Will and Dad with matching farmer's tan.

The Noodler

We made use of the people in line for Pirates of the Caribbean.  Yes, Will went down the ride strapped to my bustling chest.

Henry would probably say the pool was his favorite thing of the trip.  Go figure?

The aforesaid POS Caravan.

Our mode of in-park transport: the Double Stroller.

Joey loved the Joey rides.

Thought it was weird when she complained about the little people with her background.



Only in Germany can you find the aggressive tools of nationalism in the form of a fuzzy, sweet child's toy.  BTW, I got my butt kicked by the three Holmans of the Apocalypse.



"And that is the spirit of Norway...".

Did someone say fireworks?  Assume the position, Joey.

Disney's "See What You Look Like as a 5-year old" ride.

After placing some bets at the dog track, Will relaxed with Mom in the pool.

Jo Jo is a dog lover.

Indiana Jones nirvana for Henry.

The obligatory Holman kid couch shot.

Indeed, Will.  What is up, dog?

Josephine hit the spin-ride trifecta.

Our sweet pad on Lido Beach in Sarasota BTNR (Before the Neck Race).

Caroline was probably the most blown away of our kids by the Disney experience.

Fin.  See you in 5 years, Orlando.  Next time, we fly.